Top 10 Dental Do's and Don'ts

*Disclaimer: This post is directed to the morons of the world. Not my lovely and respectful readers :)

1. Never EVER grab your hygienist's hand as he or she is working in your mouth. Let me tell you why.

a) Remember...you're not the one holding sharp instruments. And I'll bet if you tick your hygienist off, he or she could "accidentally" end up nicking your lips, teeth, cheek or tongue--or worse, all of the above (not really...well, OK. Maybe). Don't push us, people! We're uptight enough as it is!

b) It's flat out rude. You might as well say, "I don't believe you're doing a competent job, so I'm going to take it from here. Your years of training and knowledge mean nothing to me." Seriously, forget the gritty water in your mouth. You will NOT die if you can't have it suctioned immediately. Trust me. Your hygienist is working on getting your mouth cleared of every single speck of grit, got it?

c) It's just demeaning and unnecessary. Period. I had a patient grab my wrist today and yank it to her mouth. My gut reaction(s) was to scream, cry, and gasp all at the same time. I can't explain it. It's just how you feel when some one unexpectedly and forcefully grabs you. She's lucky I didn't sock her.

2. Swallow your spit. You will not die if you swallow a smidgen of the saliva that pools in your mouth as we are cleaning your teeth. You swallow roughly 2 liters of the stuff ever day. Just because you're lying back in a dental chair does not automatically mean your brain to gullet mechanism is severed and that you need our assistance in helping you rid yourself of your own body fluids. We do all we can to make you comfortable, but we are not going to swallow the junk for you. Oh, and none of this pointing frantically to your mouth with a look of utter disgust on your face. We're gettin' there. I assure you, we are well on our way with "Mr. Thirsty Straw." Give us .5 seconds. Puh-leeze.

3. When we take your blood pressure, don't say things like, "Oh, well it's never been that high. It's your cuff. It must be broken. Those things are never very accurate." I assure you. It is not the cuff. It is you. It is your blood pressure. We are trying to do you a service by screening you from a potential silent death. Throw us a bone and at least pretend to be concerned.

4. Stay wide open. Try as best as you can to stay open wide. The mouth is the world's tiniest cave with lots of nooks and crannies to navigate. The wider your mouth stays open, the more we are able to see, the less pain we are likely to inflict, no? And resist the temptation to move your lips around while you're being rinsed, as well. If we need you to move any part of your mouth, we'll tell you so.

5. Although well-intentioned, try not to assist us in our efforts to floss your teeth by pushing your lips around. Truth be told, the tongue and lips can be very strong. After all, they are made up of muscles (creepy and a little weird). But we know what we're doing when it comes to flossing your teeth. If you're trying to help us out by pushing the floss out, it ends up being a battle for us to get it to where it needs to go. Just play dead. That is the best way.

6. This is a biggie: Don't look at us in the eyes when we're cleaning your teeth. This sounds like common sense, but you would not BELIEVE the amount of time I spend avoiding people's soul-searching stares. Ew. Please. I'm begging you, avoid eye contact when we're inches from your mouth.

7. For the love of heaven, brush and floss before you come to your appointment. Yes, floss. As in the white stringy stuff you stick between your teeth?!

8. When we say, "Turn toward me" or "Turn away from me" we mean "Turn toward me" and "Turn away from me." Not "Turn 1/32 inch toward me" or "Turn 1/32 inch away from me." Don't be shy. Turn that head of yours! All 14 lbs. of it. A good rule of thumb? When the hygienist says, "Turn toward me," make like you're going to lie on your ear that is closest to him or her and then tilt your chin up in the air. And as always, open wide.

9. Three words: Please & Thank You

10. Be honest. Your swollen, bleeding gums is a dead giveaway to the fact that you're not flossing. Don't insult me by telling me you are, in fact, flossing. In doing so you are forcing me to tiptoe around the fact that I don't believe you. Capeesh? (Thank you, Uncle Jesse).

Love,

Your Friendly (But Slightly Peeved) Dental Hygienist

Now. Who wants me to clean their teeth? Ha. Ha. I'm betting I'm not going to get many takers...Until next time ;)

Quote of the Day

Patient: "Are we almost done?"
Me: "Yes. We are almost done." But what I REALLY wanted to say was this: "Yes. We are almost done, but you can't be seriously asking me that as a 26-year-old operating room technician and grown woman. You assist surgeons through hours and hours of surgeries at the hospital (many of them probably very goopy and gorey operations, no less) and you are seriously going to throw the "Are we almost done?" line at me? Sheesh. Lady, you're making me lose my gusto for my job, for dentistry, for life. I feel myself caving in to the low expectations I refused to have for people--at least up until now. I have concluded that the lower my expections are for my fellow man and/or woman, the better off I am. You just aren't disappointed as easily, no? Expected the unexpected, I say! But what really sealed the deal and made me want to use my shoe to boot her bum out of my chair is when she said this:
Patient: "If you can't tell, I hate the dentist. It makes me nauseous."
Me: "Yeah. I get that a lot." And then I thought about the four hour "blood clot" surgery she assisted with. To each his (or her) own. Until next time...;)