Movie Morons

Here's the thing: No matter when, where, or why my family and I choose to go to a movie, we end up surrounded by idiots. It is a phenomenon. It never ceases to amaze me. Let's take for example yesterday. My mom, sister, and I have anxiously awaited the release of New Moon (like every other female in the world), say, since November 21, 2008 when we saw the first installment of The Twilight Saga (screams and squeals). I did my part to make this the most enjoyable experience EVER, even avoiding the midnight showing so that I would ensure a more "calm" crowd and decrease the chance of me wanting to punch somebody in the face. We bought tickets weeks in advance, and even had a designated "place holder" in line--please don't act like you don't know what I am talking about. We even scored a prime-timer in the parking lot. Our "seat scout" got us THE perfect seats, smack dab in the middle of the theater, not too close, not too far away (Thank you, Mom. You're the best). With our Diet Cokes, fabulous seats, and no warning signs of potential morons in sight, it seemed us Nelson girls had successfully outsmarted our typical movie-going luck. Sigh.

But of course, we were wrong. Just as the opening scene began rolling, two large women came shuffling down the aisle, bumping and tripping along the way, knocking over buckets of popcorn and obstructing the view of fellow movie patrons. And where do they sit? In the ONLY two empty seats left in the entire theater, right next to my sister, Michelle. Initially, it wasn't so bad, just annoying that they would dare interrupt the sacredness of New Moon by being late. But again, they lived up to the standard of incredulousness that plagues humanity. The woman sitting directly to the left of my sister was really a gem. The following is a list of her behavior throughout the movie:

1) She successfully unwrapped two individually wrapped Smarties packages after, oh, about 30 minutes of wrapper "crinkling." Congratulations, lady. You're obsurd. Seriously?! Seriously? Who eats Smarties anymore, anyway? Except to use them in an object lesson in Sunday School? Smarties are sick...and so are you, lady.

2) At one point, my sister glanced over (and by glanced I mean she was throwing fiery death glares), and this same woman was chugging Pepto Bismol from a bottle--literally, drinking swigs of it. What? Yeah, that's NEVER ok to do in public. And if you need that much Pepto Bismol, you probably shouldn't be in close proximity of other people, like you tend to be in a movie theater!

3) This is my personal favorite: Throughout the remainder of the show (after the dose of Pepto), this woman clicked and tapped her dentures together and by doing so, made the most grotesque noises with her mouth and lips you have ever heard in your entire life. She did this for the REST of the movie. I thought my sister might have a coronary, and subsequently, she left the theater at the end of the night with a kink in her neck after having to watch the film with her head on my shoulder to avoid hearing this woman's "mouth noises."

It's a darn good thing Michelle sat next to this woman because I may have had to be escorted out of the theater and missed my reason for carrying on these last few months (not really, but kind of). Let's just say it could be a long time before we head to the movie theater and pay to sit next to people that bring out the worst possible emotions in me.

The movie itself? Two thumbs up! And dare I say, worth the moronic behavior of Pepto Woman... Until next time ;)