Full Of It

This week has been a jackpot for idiocy. I almost have too many stories to count. I picked my favorite three for your enjoyment (I told you I was full of it). I'll save the others for a rainy day. Sound good?

I had a doctor's appointment this last Monday. As I was waiting to be seen, I noticed a couple sitting across from me (pictured below). Frankly, it was hard not to "notice" them seeing as it was a small waiting room and we were the only patients there. The office had placed a small glass dish full of candy on the coffee table (you can actually see it pictured in the right hand side of the photo), and the woman helped herself to a piece. No big deal. Nevermind the incredibly loud mouth noises this woman was making. Smack. Suck. Slurp. Click. Again. And Again. And again. As she finished her delectable treat, she proceeded to dig out the remains from the crevices of her teeth using her fingers (OK, OK we all do this. Sometimes, it's just necessary, no?). But--and it's a big BUT--most of us do NOT then proceed to the front desk of a physician's office and sign papers with a pen that, more than likely, other people will be using that day.

Forget about it, lady. Seriously, don't sweat it. I personally don't mind unknowingly using a pen that has somebody else's nasty mouth germs all over it. Who cares about hand hygiene anyway? Probably just really uptight people like dental hygienists...and moms. It's not really necessary. That hand sanitizer sitting on the counter top was probably just for show, anyhow. But just a heads up, lady--most considerate people wash their hands after having them in or near their mouths (that goes for other orifices of the body, as well). Oh, and hey. I just thought of a great word to describe you, dirty hand lady: GRODY (P.S. I haven't used that word since 5th grade).

Story Numero Dos. I was driving to work yesterday. There is a prominent intersection in Spokompton that gets a lot of traffic. At that intersection sits a big, large, bold sign that states, "DO NOT BLOCK INTERSECTION." But by "DO NOT BLOCK INTERSECTION" do you think they really mean "IT'S OK. BLOCK THE INTERSECTION IF YOU WANT TO" ?. Hmmm. That must be it because the lady in the Ford Taurus next to me was...you guessed it...blocking the intersection. I slowly rolled past this woman as the light turned green, my gaze thick with scrutiny. But don't worry. She was doing something TOTALLY important. She was texting--with both hands. Question: What are you using to operate your vehicle, lady? And yes, that honking is coming from the line of cars behind you because green means "go" in this country. As I looked closer, I felt a wave of relief when I realized she was using her knees to guide the steering wheel. Duh! Why didn't I think of that?! I could have been texting while driving this whole time! Another thing that was awesome? There was a baby car seat in the back. Pure genius, this woman was. Pure genius.

Last one--for today. My sister is coming home from the Mayo Clinic after spending a week there. I stopped in at the dollar store to pick up some helium balloons as a "Welcome Home" treat for her (Who doesn't love a giant bouquet of balloons? Ooh, I do). The store was packed with women who had penciled-in eyebrows and screaming children. As the sales clerk was helping me with my selection, we both heard a loud "Ahem" from the check out counter behind us followed by a tapping and clicking of some sort. We turned around to see what I thought to be a fellow customer, repeatedly tapping her rings on the counter top to get the sales clerk's attention. The sales lady gave me a torn look to which I replied, "Go ahead, I can wait." She then headed over to the check stand where I heard the "tap-tap" lady state, "Is this bugging you yet?" as she continued to beat her ring-adorned fingers against the counter top. I wanted to chuck the first thing I could find at her and yell, "No! But is sure is bugging me!" I refrained. And then it got even better when I realized that this annoying woman was not another customer. Oh, no. She was another employee at the store who happened to be on her break and had some purchases to make. And by "purchases" I mean she bought one freakin' greeting card. Is that card for me, rude lady? Is it an "I'm sorry" note for dragging your fellow worker who was obviously in the middle of helping a customer? Is it? I sure hope it is because I can't believe you right now. Clearly, you "don't get it." Clearly, you don't understand the employee-customer relationship. Clearly, you're obsurd, and I want to take that greeting card and crumple it up. Crumple it up real good so you can be annoyed by me so you know how it feels! Enjoy your freakin' lunch break, lady. I'll be here--waiting--for the next available employee, and it better not be you.

Unit G5

A few weeks ago, my mom and I made a shopping trip to Costco for some Holiday "goods." As usual, my dear, sweet husband opted out of the shopping trip, and remained contently at home watching the Gonzaga basketball game. Go Zags! (They lost that game, FYI). Anywho, we (as in my mom and I), swung by to pick Jason up on the way home so that we could head back to my parents' for pizza and movie.

While waiting patiently in the car-emphasis on the "patient" part, we noticed some headlights pull up behind us and stop. Now, if we were sitting at, say, a stoplight, this would not be unusual at all. In fact, it's expected for another driver to line up behind you and wait until the light turns green, right? But in an apartment complex parking lot, it seemed a bit strange. I re-positioned my car closer to the curb just in case and then I waited, expecting her to drive past us, because that's what you do when you're in a car---you drive! Clearly, this woman had plenty of space to manuever around us and get to where she needed to go. Surely she wasn't actually waiting for me to move my car completely so that she had maybe two more feet to work with.

You know that thing that happens when you're so sure of something, and then that "something" turns around and slaps you in the face and tells you you're dead wrong and the unbelievable is actually happening? And you're left to try and figure out what really is going on? Well, that happened to my mom and me when we realized that this woman, was in fact, trying to make a statement by staying parked behind me until I moved COMPLETELY out of her way. That's right. After about 30 more seconds of her staying parked behind us, she began to slowly pull forward. Before she even pulled up beside us, I could feel her dagger stare in the back of my head, and I wanted to throw up on her on she drove slowly by and shot us the sourest look I may have ever seen. Don't worry--I fed her one right back (I have a few of those up my sleeve. Just ask Jase). But this woman was relentless, even turning her head as her car moved forward. She looked a little like that scene from The Exorcist with her head all turning around to keep the gaze. The nerve! And I'm pretty sure at that point both my mom and I were gasping out of shock and muttering things like, "Oh, no she didn't!"

It gets better. This woman then pulls into one of the assigned parking spots. You know what that means, don't you? She is our neighbor!! She gets out of her car, locks her door, all the while not taking one eye off of us. She walks to her door, opens it, goes in, takes one last creepy peek at us through the window, and then shuts the blinds! What?! Are you serious, Unit G5?! Are you? I'm sorry that my car parked in front of my house would ruin your entire life! What can I do to make it up to you, G5? Please tell me because I will quickly do whatever it takes to make it right, and by "quickly do whatever it takes" I mean "Yeah, right! Because you are ridiculous." I WAS thinking about bringing over a plate of cookies, but maybe instead, I'll bring you over a giant air horn and a middle finger for you to use. That just seems way more appropriate. I'm going to go take a deep breath, G5. And maybe, just maybe, we can settle this in the parking lot. Until next time...;)