Lard Legs

I was perusing the mall the other day with my favorite person on the planet--No, not Edward...or Tim Riggins. Jason--I was walking with Jason. I just talked myself out of stopping to get a Cinnabon when I looked up to see this:

Dearest readers, please tell me what is wrong with this picture. No, really. Give it a shot. Give up? Welp, let me tell you what's wrong with the picture. Oh, where to begin?! How about the fact that no living person would or should fit into a pair of leopard print skinny jeans if the freakin' mannequin can't even fit into them. I once heard that if mannequins were real people, they wouldn't be able to menstruate or stand up straight because their bodies would be so disproportionate (or was that Barbie?). Either way, it doesn't matter because I seriously want to talk to the employee who put this little ensemble together, took a step back to admire his or her work, and said to themselves, "Yeah, that looks totally great...and totally natural." And then I want to slap that person in the head. And I just LOVE the fact that the pants are SO tight that they literally cut of the mannequin's remaining leg structure. Maybe I'm mistaken. Maybe that's actually paint on those mannequin legs, like a really abstract, weirdo "masterpiece" of fashion. It's set-ups like these that make every female in America take a hit on their own self-esteem. As I sheepishly looked down to behold my own ginormous thunder thighs and cankles, I thought to myself, "I must suck as a human being or I am getting old because this is the most ridiculous thing I have beheld since walking past the teenager in the pajama bottoms and pink Ug boots." That's right; I think of run-on sentences in my head all the time...

So, you know what I did? I went a bought that freakin' Cinnabon and I ate the whole stinkin' thing. And I hope all that gooey butter and high-calorie sugar when straight to my butt and legs and stays there forever so I never can even THINK about fitting into (or hating myself for not fitting into) something that would suffocate a toddler--or in this case, a mannequin. Clothes that are too tight for a mannequin? Seriously, America? That's new low, even for us.

Until next time ;)