Dear Morons (not MORMONS, M-O-R-O-N-S) of the World,

You suck. No, really. You do. You know how I know this? Because I deal with you people every single day. And dare I say, it's making me a little stir-crazy? Like that time today when I was driving to pick Jason up from work, and I looked in my rearview mirror to behold one of your kind throwing a fistful of garbage out his window like it was rice at a wedding. Seriously, dude? It hasn't been cool to litter since like 1996. And if I hadn't run the risk of driving into the ditch while trying to grab a pen and McDonald's receipt off the floor of the car so that I could write your license plate down, I totally would have reported you to Al Gore--or at least the police!

Or like that time this week at work when I took your blood pressure and it was too high and another one of you said, "I'll just go down to the blood bank and donate a pint. That always brings it down." OOOHHH. Right. Until your body does it's job and produces more blood to replace the old blood and then your poor little blood cells are again left to find passage between your veins and arteries that are clogged with lard and sodium.

Or like the time this week when pulling out of our apartment complex, one of you pulled up behind us, honked your horn, and mockingly flagged us on to turn left. OH! Is that what we do after four lanes of traffic have cleared? We actually carry through with the manuever our left blinker was signaling by jerking the wheel to the left? DON'T you dare give me that stupid thumbs up sign, Mister Neighbor! Because I KNOW for a fact you freakin' don't mean it, you big impatient idiot.

I have to go. My face is getting warm. And I'm hungry. But this isn't the end. I'll be back with more tongue lashings. Is there no accountability anymore? Sheesh.

Warmest Regards,

Rachel

Triple Threat

The idiots are out in full force lately! I think this means the world is going to end soon--or something.

Story 1: I was perusing the shopping racks at Kohl's the other day with my mom (surprise, surprise) when the large Diet Coke I had downed at lunch hit me. I sped to the bathroom upstairs, flung open the door and looked to the first stall for relief. Now, typically I don't go for the first stall. I'm not sure why. I just don't. The second or third always seem like the obvious choice, but for some reason on this particular day, the first stall was calling my name. But before I got too far I stopped dead in my tracks when I realized somebody was occupying the first toilet. I'm not sure what made me pause--divine intervention, perhaps--because it was dead quiet and up until that point, I thought I was the only one in the bathroom. On the contrary! As I passed the stall (and I assure you I was NOT intentionally looking, OK?!), I noticed the "occupant" clicking away on her cell phone. That's right. There she sat, pants down, chillin' with her cell phone in hand, TEXTING on the toilet in a Kohls bathroom. Seriously?! No, really? Are you for real right now? She was. She was for real. SICK. I just did my thing and got the HECK out of there. As my very Caucasian husband would say, "Girl! You trippin'!"

Story 2: What is it with people NOT driving the speed limit?! I mean, really. They're either going Mach 5 or slow as molasses. And usually they have "Jesus Fish" on their tailgates and/or beanie babies on their front dash. I assure you, Jesus wants you to drive the speed limit! And it gets even better when these really efficient drivers "drift" into your lane, forcing you to make an emergency pull to the very outside of your lane to avoid getting hit. And all the while, they are completely and utterly oblivious! This happened to me today on my way home. A beanie-baby loving motorist began the drifting pattern, and before I knew it, I was yanking my wheel so she wouldn't clip the front end of my car. As soon as the cloud of cuss words (you know, like "Dang it!" and "Oh, my heck!") and mean remarks dissipated from my mind, I scooted past her, throwing death glares. And guess what? This fine citizen quickly climbed my ranks of "valuable" members of society when I realized the source of her distraction--she had headphones dangling from her ears. That's right. She was listening to music via headphones as she was driving. Hey! Lady! That's illegal! You know, like "against the law!" Now get out of my way before I yank those stupid things from your head! Ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous.

Story 3: I was at one of my favorite stores earlier today. I was in the jewelry department when I noticed a mother with her 3-year-old daughter. 99.9% of Mom's attention was diverted toward the jewelry selection in front of her, but the little girl seemed innocent enough. She wasn't going to get into any trouble like most 3-year-olds, right? Wrong. Just then, said little "angel" girl stuck out her right arm and basically bulldozed one of the jewelry tables, knocking metal hooped earrings and pearl necklaces all over the tile floor. THIS caught mom's attention--but only long enough for her to look up at her daughter, look down at the mess she had made, turn her back and walk away, daughter in tow. Awesome. Way to set an example for your kid, mom. Don't worry about the mess. No, really. I'll get it. Or I'll get one of the minimum-wage employees to pick it up because that's why they make a whopping eight dollars an hour. And I'm sure your sweet little girl won't think anything of her behavior. In fact, I KNOW she won't think anything of her behavior. I bet it won't be long until she finds something else to destroy, something that's DOESN'T belong to her. That's why society is so screwed up lady, because people like you reproduce over and over again, and the pattern for dumb continues it's inevitable course. Oh, and Happy Mother's Day to the World's Sharpest Mom. Blah.