Dear American Teenager,

Your fashion trends are becoming absurd. I came across these today at the mall:

...and then I wanted to throw up. Has "fashion" really stooped to this level? Seriously? Has it? By far, these are the most hideous things I have ever seen, and this particular store was marketing these things as "shoes," as in for people to actually wear on their feet. They are a cross between a full gold crown, elf slippers, and oompa-loompa garb. Gross. Really, really gross. And sorry if you, the reader, have these so-called shoes. I never meant to step on anyone's "toes." Or did I? I did. Because no one should own these. Except for maybe the mayor of Whoville. And I mean that. Until next time...;)